Watching Love

I came home all tired and ready to fall into a coma when I decided to open the tv and channel surfed. The Lake House is on. So many things came to me as I watched (again). The most resounding and sad of all is that we're the same. Writing to a man so far away I don't even know if he exist. It started a couple of years back when I found myself feeling lonely AND alone AND left out. I started emailing my 'future husband'. Sharing with him my thoughts and more importantly, my loneliness and sadness. I can't say if its helping but it has become a regular thing. Like an anchor. He's now a part of my life despite the fact he doesn't exist yet in my world. It's true, sometimes you just want to connect. Maybe one day he'd come and I'd be able to tell him about my letters and then maybe he can read them.

Almost A Year

A lot has changed since I started this a year ago. Then, I just wanted a space to let off steam. I was a very confused person...not that I'm any better now but so many things make more sense now.

More later, when I have the time and liberty to share.

Wasting Dating

I can't possibly understand how in a span of 3 weeks I've managed to date someone I haven't been on a date with.

Please explain. In 1000 words or more. Include all possible angles and permutations to your answer.

Hairy Situation

So what happens next? I filed a case for child support in Makati’s family court to compel my daughter’s dad to support her.

Now we’re dating again and we’re thinking - how would we face each other at court? Can we sit together and hold hands during the discussion with the arbiter?

Oh, what have we done?

So it goes...

We're at the starting point again. It's different but still the same.

What's your plan?

What do you want?

Just be gentle.

And It's Here Again

I've been asking my daughter's dad to spend time with her. I said she deserves to have a father and not just someone who visits her twice a year and who bring presents and candies to make up for lost time.

Finally, he's at it. He's been consistently seeing my daughter weekly (sometimes twice in a week even). What I wasn't ready for was that we'd also be spending time together.

However much I hate the guy for abandoning me while I was pregnant and through the first year of our daughter's life, I couldn't help but feel nice being with him, spending time, laughing again. After all, he wouldn't father my daughter if I didn't like him.

So now, what do I do? I can't make the same mistake again but how do I put distance between us without affecting our daughter?

One Fine Tuesday

The Story

I’ve always had a weird uncontrollable streak. Once in a while I’d wake up with an itch to just bolt and move as far away as I can from where I’ve been. It’s like a need to be someplace else. It’s like I have to experience something new and different all of a sudden. I used to read it as a sign that I’m meant to move forward.

The past few years though the itch subsided. It was almost irrelevant I forgot it’s a norm in my universe. You can say I became too enamored with the very standard way my life has been going. No peaks and valleys here, just a clean flat-line. It’s like a dead body floating on a very still body of water. Yeah, it sounds morbid but that’s how it has been really.

It’s not bad per se. I was just content. Neither nor, either or. Life was as I would like it to be. Nothing more. Nothing less.

The Now

You can say I’m trying to regain the fire that has relished into embers the past few years. I need the get my blood flowing – and get it flowing really fast.

As cliché-ish as this might sound, I want to feel alive again.

The Change

A big factor though that has affected my slowing-down has got something to do with the major responsibilities I’ve acquired the past 3 years. There’s the house first which limited my financial capability and then my daughter which further drowned me into incapacity.

I’m not complaining though. They’re not burdens for me, rather they’re accomplishments. It did slow me down. That’s all. And that’s what I’m trying to remedy now.

The Plan

I really don’t have a solid plan. For one, I’m not sure how equipped I am to push myself to the limits nowadays. A lot has changed and one thing I don’t have now is the time. Would any plan work with minimal time? I’m not sure but I’ll try.

I’m nearing my 5^th year anniversary in my company. I think it’s time to look around. I’ll start early, if something comes up that’s too good to pass then I’d grab it. If nothing comes to fruition then I don’t mind waiting a couple of minutes. Not a bad idea? I think it’s the most sane yet depressing idea. I don’t have any other options at the moment short of jeopardizing my source of income.

Other Thoughts

I’m going after my daughter’s father. I want child support. I want him present in her life. I want him to take an active role in her growth and development. I don’t know what made him do all that the past few weeks – maybe he finally realized he’s being a bad dad for being absent the entire pregnancy and only seeing her once every few months. Well, it’s that or the petition I’ve filed in the family courts. Whatever his reasons may be, I only hope he keeps it up. My daughter needs him whether people agree or not.

On the subject of single motherhood, I think people who feel that being able to rear your kids alone as a single mom is noble are somewhat looking at the situation from the wrong perspective. These women are not empowered by being sole supporters of their kids. They become victims of their own noble ideas. Children need their father so go after him! Conception happened because 2 adults had consensual sex, so you’re not supposed to deal with this alone! Half of your child is from the father so make him take care of his half!

When you let the father off the hook and try to nobly rear your kids as a single mom you’re not empowering yourself as a woman. Instead you’re empowering the ego of their fathers. That they can get away with the biggest responsibility of their lives!

Not everyone may agree, but if you would ask me, I’d say – GO AFTER THE IDIOT WHO GOT YOU PREGNANT AND BE FRIENDS AND FORCE HIM TO BE A FATHER YOUR KID DESERVES.